asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
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Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]