[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
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The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere