If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
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thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.