leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
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[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression