Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
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Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Chicago sounds lovely.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
there’s probably a fee though
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.