Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
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This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.