Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
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*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
watergate? u mean a dam??
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Every work meeting this week
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first