Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
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Nothing.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
mathematically impossible
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
The Struggle
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…