[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
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When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.