My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
You Might Also Like
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
dictator is short for richard potato
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?