Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
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I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
He’s cranky this morning
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other