Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
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I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Me My dog
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
what the
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?