To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
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i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
[loses house key, starts a new life]
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
cyclists
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.