Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
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it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.