Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
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All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
me after drinking all the wine:
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it