My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
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[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Tier 3 meme
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”