Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
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Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Think I pulled my liver
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello