Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
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Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window