“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
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[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
My blood type is coffee.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…