I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
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“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
You have been warned.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything