Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
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Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”