My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
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Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.