It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
You Might Also Like
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Basically.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?