Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
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I will cook for you
-me, threatening
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.