I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
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I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Damn he played himself
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
the icebreaker
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver