Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
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“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.