How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
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i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.