A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
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the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.