STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
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[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.