realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
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DOOO EEEET
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.