Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
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I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.