ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
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My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
WHY?!
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.