[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
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5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
just make the entire table out of coaster
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit