Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
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FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Good advice.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Good Morning.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
My teenage children choosing violence
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.