My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
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Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
welp
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
im 7 sauces long
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy