me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
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When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
I like crazy people until they notice me