genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
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You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways