It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
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Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Which wines pair best with gloating?
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”