[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
You Might Also Like
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
When someone trying to leave me
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.