[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
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Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
why I oughta
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites