Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
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I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Ferrari squats
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.