My apartment is a mess, I should move
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My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Ha