won’t smith
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My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free