*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
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Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
i think my razor is having a panic attack