911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
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these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.