Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
You Might Also Like
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?