Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
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Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?