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An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?