*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
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One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.