Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
You Might Also Like
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome